oh god, oh god, oh god!

Absolute is never absolute...it could be more of something than less. havent exactly been happy ever without being sad at the same time. U buy an ice-cream, there are kids around asking for food... perhaps thats their begging technique, but man, it works. U lose 'it' which u build while planning to have a good time. I havent exactly been ever jealous of rich people, atleast not for myself, perhaps sometimes doing wishful thinking of giving good time to near n dear ones....but dont exactly bank on giving it them. Cause lets face it....have run out of steam, completely .....cant play high-stake gamble at the place im standing and im not getting any younger. Its n irreversible process, has some irrevocable implications....so as i was saying when i see swanky people, swanky cars, etc....i dont get off-balance. should street kids get off-balance seeing a financially mediocre person like me?.....no, i guess if atall they have to feel bad abt their situation, they have a reference point of richer people...kids would want to be like them...not like me.yup! they wouldnt want that. then, its time i stop feeling guilty of the average life-style i can afford. there's lot more to disentangle then this tinsy-winsy thingie...gotta reputation of a poor-choice maker and rightfully so . Indulging into self-flagellation more than warranted...constant weight of procrastinated decisions. Pendulum oscillating between self-sacrificing, timid situation and completely apathetic surrounding but liberating ...so sort self-aggrandizing in that way. Catch 22 situation, a deadlock. le papa, m'aident. vous restez un dieu proche,consultez-le. Je suis inquiété. Je suis devenu une grande déception. Ce devient très difficile.Je manque votre conseil. nous tous manque vous. j'ai besoin d'aide. svp.