empty hands

When i think abt the chain of events that took place in the last few months...and its culmination is how i feel today or how i have been feeling for the last few days....few things come to my mind: 1. May be i have been a pawn in this game...except that there was no game...but i have been surely a pawn in whatever it was. It was done unknowingly but i let it happen. I feel quite deprived...but i let it happen. 2. Is it the result of me making anyone feel sidelined in the past? i dont know....not that i recall....i have behaved bad with people but i have had more than my share of punishments. 3. Does anyone in this world realize how i feel right now? If no, who am i getting sad for...this world that doesnt catch my emotional wavelength...and if they realize how sad I am...this time they played along ...okayed to let me be quarantined...and what can they do now in any case. 4. could i have become an embarrassment on account of very few successes i have had so far? i dont think i have deliberately brought onthe situation but things went out of hand....and i really cant put in more to change the situation given how I am designed.But this might also be the case. Survival of the fittest theory. 5. Is it really a punishment....wut would have happened had i been included....perhaps nothing and it would have been a lot of disappointment lateron...then, why am i feeling this way!! may be because such a thing is happening for the first time....yes, i have been out of the loop for the first time. 6. Does it not point out to my own attitude of convenient solitude....?? I want to be left alone ...do my thing on lull days and i want to be with people when they are having fun....but i have been there when they needed me.... 7. Do i attract tough luck by thinking abt it ...voluntarily or involuntarily....is it true that god loves certain people less...is god there... 8. I want God (god is there) to show me why it happened what happened...i want to be shown a valid reason, i was helped in the past to see rationales behind occurences... 9. What am i doing these days...im working as much as i can...but i come back on the same point i start my day from...what interesting times!! 10. I need no distractions, i want this feeling to rip me apart fully...there's no point having a crack in the mirror ...it should break fully...and then a new mirror comes.