honoured and scorned!

Absolutely lost the faculty to scan people...who doesnt mind me, and who does? who is takin' me for a ride big time? who is ironing up his/her creased heart by saying pricking things in name of 'frankness'? is it they or is it me ? answer is simple ...its obviosuly me. Its easier to alter thyself. They say a human is a perfect example of contridictory forces, one force running towards the comformed side, other towards non-conforming. Conztant battle between these forces can keep one entertained for a long-long time.

alpha to omega...yummy brain.

Have just finished gorging an unimaginable amount of sweets...my mouth is glue now, sticky...i heard its good to cure gloom. I identify my present phase as that...spirits blighted. Brahminam madhuram priyam. but why? are they more prone to get despondent? veggies, low salt diet, and low spice content. could that be it. all pacifying intakes...pacifies a bit too much.

aah!...it was sort of a new revelation. a theory explained to me in so many words .The wrong things one does and dont talk abt...cripples one's present and future. So, the lazy people we know who say that they have no great ambitions, they are at peace with nothingness etc. but have a strong emotional undercurrence n we feel it...are actually cognizant of the fact that they have locked their irreconcilable secrets in the black box of their brains, that they have....sssshhhhh!!... that they have done treachery in the past.....heeeee! yeah! so they are prisoners of their souls. The only way out is to make a list of all those dark things u did and u dont even discuss them with urself ( pseudo-smart way to forget these things but they dont help baby)...make all those things sit down in that chair in front of u and face them, right in their face. Give those phantoms ur reasons. Its a long haul but it pays off, hopefully or so i believe. It can vary from simplest of tete-a-tete to most complex..lithium to Osmium. Example: yes, i broke that windhshield of our car in August 1990 which eventually cost my parents dearly. My reason, it was an absolute accident. lesson: precaution is indeed better than cure, playing football with rocks? a baffoon does that, a baffoon did that; Secretly wished our "Santa Claus" gone Reason: it seemed then, if he didnt go, we would. Too many oppressive failures to deal with. Outcome: we had indeed become lighter than air, slept endlessly. Lesson: dilute the repercussion of ur failures when ur staying with people, otherwise they wish u the way to door. list is long, night is short. i wish i was staying in a big-big-big-big joint family. yeah! Vasudev kutumb kamb...the world is one family and everyone of us belongs to the same family. Myopic visionaries wont get that now....let them remain busy in the name of religion, doctrines with no enduring value...for few more years.

hmmm

December 22, 06
rhichu's bedroom
1:30 am...

feeling the year slipping by...
listening to a hindi song...

suna hai mohabbat ki taqdeer mein, likhein hain andhere ghane
..tabhi aaj shayad sitare sabhi zara se hi roshan hue
mere haath ki in lakiron mein likhe abhi aur kitne sitam
khafa ho gai hain khushi, waqt se ho rahe hain meherban gham

im speaking a lot these days abt things people are doing wrong, it doesnt feel good because i dont feel victimised at all and im doing it for the heck of it. baby u gotta zip up ur mouth, this way u'll hide ur thoughts and pale teeth.

oh yeah! in hindsight...i dont feel victimised atall...by anybody but my own self...the tug of war in my own head. Absolute immaturity to be thus far wasting my time in judging people...and myself! what was it ? a role play of some crusader of truth... oh wow...what a hazard of inadequate, flawed education; systematically dehazed individuality.