a bumpy ride!

oh gosh, so completely, totally solo these days. Being like that has never been a problem hitherto....it is now...cause its n empty patch and there's stuff to tell....no great stuff but stuff. I am trying to remember how i dealt with such a situation before....my growls have become whimpers ...my own voice echoes back at me...some rooms have no windows or doors. its a patch, it will end. Thanks to this patch...equations have dissolved and reformed...scorch sun takes away haze. Burn is the cost you pay for clarity.

my heart's in chains.....

- M ill still. Diffused state of mind.

- A family of colour...would mean similar colours with few shades here n there. And when we came together as a family...we all feel different from one another but the force that brought us together(god, if u will) must have followed some underlying principle 'cause d world works on structure, some that we understand and some that we dont but one day we will. My speculation ( may be a few other's as well but until i know about them, i use the world 'i' instead of 'we'...but no copyrighting or patenting involved...believe in free thoughts) is that may be we were all brought together or we are always brought together on the basis of deeds we did, our karma...something like u talk while the class goes on...u and ur friend are both given similar punishments and guys who are brilliant are made monitors or something....there's a tendency in this world of 'bird of a father flocking together' ...no matter how much i eye a scholar, but i wont get to get thick wid d 'scholar'...because scholars would eye scholars. so my father did similar stuff in his past life that i did in my past life....and his father did the same thing, i have reasons to believe in different settings though...why m i not clubbing 'mothers' in this equation ? well..because they in this setting come from a different family....so there's slight deviation in the nature of their karma....so they take birth in a certain family but would go for a longer span in a different family ( so dat says that their karmas were not exactly similar, but somewut). So if my father fell a certain way, i will too...may be in some other direction but fall i will. the same rule perhaps would apply to how people who choose each other out of free ....its also be a factor of their karmas aligning with that one person....no matter how much u eye a rich, wiz, hot, cool etc etc kinda of a person....ull serve ur term with someone u share ur score results ( of karmas )with and with people u disintegrate with is also a case of not similar karmas through and through but a particular kind of a karma being same, n so god or the supreme permutator and combinator put u 2 together in the same cell for a certain span. may be this theory has loopholes ...ill look into it some other day....m quite fatigued now.

Ten of Swords

- Was down n out yesterday, almost clogged. Sick today. Low on energy. Work looks huge from where I stand.

- Read that sugar must be avoided to get hale n hearty, avoided it for two hours, just fed on double the amount 'cause wasnt feeling brilliant. No such 'restraining' games from now on.

- Tired.

I am trying....

- End of the first month(almost) of this year! Have managed to injure myself emotionally a couple of times, already. Not that i was looking for any warmth from any quarter, but the less than half-hearted mechanical show of concern and complete omission in some other cases didnt escape the radar here. Who says that the ice-age is over? I am living in one. Giving people taste of their own medicine could be an idea, but i wont do it. Because i am not they, i dont want to be ...they arent my role-models. My role-models are people who are happy and good all the time...though i cant be like them all the time. I forget to be like them all the time.

- i am feeling the weight of the pending work n my reluctance to do anything much abt it is also adding on to the invisible stress.

- ansolutely sure, completely luckless. wuts luck....?? Its a wide spectrum ...so, may be not completely luckless in everything but completely luckless in certain other things....that scatter-brain article for instance...i still cant believe it....wuts the bigger picture? i cant know until im through.

a short day and a blissful nap

- My day is only 2 hours long these days or so it feels. i can fill my day with no special activity than a very few routine things. As it strikes 3 pm in the clock( and it strikes pretty early now a days)...it seems as if another day has slipped away.

- My mind's saturated, i am NOT looking out for any new information. i cant do justice to it, cant retain it, cant get high on any new/old data. I have had it.

- It feels like im sleeping when i am awake, and i am truly awake when i sleep. I suspect i smile when i sleep. Its sooo good. its like floating on a vast expanse of luke warm water...a balloony feel but it does have a subtle and certain force.

- Seems like being asked to lead a life of high priestess. A cloak and a book are the sole possession. Its good this way i guess, much better than to keep spending urself and withering away to please ur bonds.

- d road ahead looks bumpy, cant retrieve. I am clueless how i will look back at this time. I hope i miss it....but then the times ahead would have to be really crushing for me to miss 'this' particular time. Alright, i want to look back and say it was a learning phase, of sorts...cause im clearly not learning what i am supposed to learn.

- There's more toil involved in getting small little things that people around me get with remarkable ease. I hold it against u, god. U got some explaining to do when we meet.Dis is not all 'fair and just' way dat u r known for. no, u r not known for this. U r just known....especially for times when we dont have anyone else we know. we know u as much as u know us....hazily . oops! did i hurt ur ego?? would u make it harder for me now?? ok, guess, im 'perturbed'. peace sign.

- one thousand years of solitude!