Nobody's baby!

- I thought why not get a few plants before rains (good one month away now)...so that they get well- settled in the pot for the rest of the seasons. Another thought came running by...whether its right to bring in new plants and then when you are away...no one waters them... and they dry away and die....it has happened before. Then, i recalled something i saw in crazy hot afternoon today when i was walking upto where i had parked my scooter and passed by a juice shop. It was swarmed with people...binging on juice, colas, snacks...wutever. And there was a tiny figure amidst these people....and i looked more closely to know what it was...'it' was a child of 4-5 wearing only pants...totally torn from all places and no shirt on. In such soaring temperature that twig like child had nothing on to cover himself. He was charred...head to toe...barefoot on the ground that must have been hot as a tin roof. The only light skin was his palm...a beggar's palm. How many of us have ever held out our hands in the way of begging...just to see how it feels.I tried it, it feels like just a step away from death. Asking for anything from anyone other than god is a torture beyond expression. And what if one is forced to do so and still people refuse to notice you. Thats what they did....completely shunning off the responsibility of a fellow human being if he is not related to u...even if that person is a little child....it didnt matter to them whether he lived on or ....Whatever i gave to the little one was too little or nothing compared to what a child so small deserves to have. How do i connect with people so completely desensetized, no wonder one feels drifting away like a pie of log into the high seas. Guys, they have enough stacked in their bank accounts, they are earning enough... much more than they consume but they hate the thought of parting with even littlest. They say its easy when you know your place in the world, but then the bigger question right now seems to be 'what's purpose of this world?'...its so much more of suffering....obviously, its not going to be pure fun like a picnic or camping...but dearth of resources could dry up humanity to such an extent.... India is supposed to be a country of people who believe in god....and we r all god's manifestation...and see, such an insult to god!! at every juncture insult god yet call urself a staunch theist, now thats quite skewed...our education has become flawed....and our resources are scant. Education is not getting degrees, talking jargons and earning with the single point focus to be the most loaded in the world. Shouldnt education make you feel more secured not just financially but also emotionally, to help you bring peace to not just self but to others. Education could make up for the scant resources. But how do u make urself heard?? nobody likes such topics...they find it all too didactic, boring. They just want to see ishaqzaade. where's that ishq goes for the world we live in and for people we live with.

April of 2012

- Gust of warm wind hit when we stood behind refridegrator or AC...it must be still there...the hot air...but i no more stand behind it to feel it. Imagine thousand ACs and refridgerator installed outside in form of the sun....the wind is as warm/ hot as that...even at home...its only slightly mellow...thats summers for u. I am waiting for rains already. - Another shake-up....but its too intricate and too demanding. i wont even go there. ill leave it at a distance. Its ostrich mentality?? yeah, then be it!

empty hands

When i think abt the chain of events that took place in the last few months...and its culmination is how i feel today or how i have been feeling for the last few days....few things come to my mind: 1. May be i have been a pawn in this game...except that there was no game...but i have been surely a pawn in whatever it was. It was done unknowingly but i let it happen. I feel quite deprived...but i let it happen. 2. Is it the result of me making anyone feel sidelined in the past? i dont know....not that i recall....i have behaved bad with people but i have had more than my share of punishments. 3. Does anyone in this world realize how i feel right now? If no, who am i getting sad for...this world that doesnt catch my emotional wavelength...and if they realize how sad I am...this time they played along ...okayed to let me be quarantined...and what can they do now in any case. 4. could i have become an embarrassment on account of very few successes i have had so far? i dont think i have deliberately brought onthe situation but things went out of hand....and i really cant put in more to change the situation given how I am designed.But this might also be the case. Survival of the fittest theory. 5. Is it really a punishment....wut would have happened had i been included....perhaps nothing and it would have been a lot of disappointment lateron...then, why am i feeling this way!! may be because such a thing is happening for the first time....yes, i have been out of the loop for the first time. 6. Does it not point out to my own attitude of convenient solitude....?? I want to be left alone ...do my thing on lull days and i want to be with people when they are having fun....but i have been there when they needed me.... 7. Do i attract tough luck by thinking abt it ...voluntarily or involuntarily....is it true that god loves certain people less...is god there... 8. I want God (god is there) to show me why it happened what happened...i want to be shown a valid reason, i was helped in the past to see rationales behind occurences... 9. What am i doing these days...im working as much as i can...but i come back on the same point i start my day from...what interesting times!! 10. I need no distractions, i want this feeling to rip me apart fully...there's no point having a crack in the mirror ...it should break fully...and then a new mirror comes.

theories

They all arranging their clothes, deciding on their looks for the big day, i can imagine all these girls must be thinking of which shade of lipstick with which dress, which pair of shoes, what accessory....it is then i force myself to think about how to arrange for a good econometrics book to put all that data into use...but this data and all those tables are also of no use...they havent been so far.it has been two consecutive days, i have shown no sign of making peace that i will not be there at the big event. My mind says that its ok, its better in a way (which way, i dont know)...i cant see it now..each day dissolves into another. No progress...no concentration....knees are getting OK gradually...walking is less of a labour. People who r successful...were they lucky or better decision-makers?If u want something bad enough, it comes to you....really?? My bad enough might not be bad enough for someone else but i have wanted things bad enough...but they didnt come to me. and now i dont want them bad enough, i have stopped wanting things, not of all of them...but im on my way...i feel spent in wanting things, continue wanting them and not getting them still. This theory must be working for people it is meant to work for....so they start writing it in their precription paper. But if I stop wanting anything...wouldnt be a better mechanism? There would be no anger, no sorrow. What should happen if that happens...i'd like to see.i'd try to reach that point and then see....

Random reflections!

All this on-line way of getting to meet people is such sophisticated sleaze...the argument they give is how else u meet people...even thats true. come to think of it everything is dirty in a way....what plays at back of our minds when we meet people...it all boils down to ...whatever. Clean rapport, attachment, faith and trust could come in first to make everything else feel OK...but who knows...there must be thousands voices with thousands logics in the counter argument...m sleepy. i should get snoozing now

9th april 2012

I was thinking how i handled my meeting at the university and mechanically riding my bike at the same time cause all the paths are way too familiar.....half of the distance to home was already covered. New road, clean, wide and then there was a big piece of rock sitting in the middle as if waiting just for me....and i went to it. My last memory was seeing something beige and riding on its hard jagged surface...but then it was too late to control the breaks or do anything.....i dont remember at what point i was thrown off my bike...and heard the bike smashed at a distance to something even harder....as for me...the force with which i hit the ground.....was overwhelming. it makes you realize that its only earth's mercy if we get out of it all unscathed. that no one can be stronger than the earth's solid ground ......what i am dealing with right now is the aftermath...but my mind still feels heavy as if that rock now lives in my head.

trance breaking.....!

- Its like walking on ice-lake. Any step may give way, and what appears as a solid surface could throw you into the deepest, darkest, coldest point of no-return. Or so it seems. As the numbness started to go, things are looking despiriting.

- The city has two parts. Old part is hustling-bustling, very relatable, very therapeutic and a patch of the new part has something wrong with it. It can make you quite restless, depressed, hazed-minded, one wants to leave it...but it is quite arresting in a certain way. You gotta keep crazily busy to ward off the inexplicable which is ready to entrap you. It might not be the land's problems...may be the inner void gets out of hand, engulfs you like inescapable smoke ...but this happens. Thousands of people died on a single night on december 03rd, 1984. Where did their souls go?

- All the theories of self-introspection, glorification of solitude etc are debunkable. I can see it clearly now...one needs a spiritual clan. There's true happiness in leading life the way our ancesors led..atleast as far as structure of the society goes. It preserves sanity. If some dont know this, they will no. This world allows a few to experiment with set rules, it keeps the entertainment on.